I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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