Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
