If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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