i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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