it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
