Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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