Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
you're hired as official boob wrangler
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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