My room smells like vodka and shame
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
