shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
