you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Randomize
