So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
