oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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