Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
