Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
