I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
