nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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