Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
