i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
