Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
