a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Randomize
