note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
You've changed since you got that strap on
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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