I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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