You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
