she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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