Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
