Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
how drunk are you?
Several
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
