his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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