The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
