I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
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I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
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The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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