I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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