I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
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She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
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Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize