What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Randomize
