I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
