So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
