You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
