connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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