Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
