Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
