he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm like, not good at living.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
