I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
