now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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