Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
