So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
