So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
So squirting runs in the family.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
