____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
it's like iHOP with fire
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
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