someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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