I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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