You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
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dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
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What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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