see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
birth control should be required to get into college
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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