it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Randomize
