She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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