When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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