she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
