I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
