My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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