Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
