I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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