dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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