Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
