it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
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